


Finding the Light

by QuasarScorpion



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Making Out, Minor Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, POV Kozume Kenma, Realization, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:47:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27398185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuasarScorpion/pseuds/QuasarScorpion
Summary: Kenma's journey through tragedy. During a night in with Hinata the universe decides to hurt him. It decides to take something from him that flips his world on its head and forces him to confront his life. He'd thought his life had hit low points before but nothing was compared to this.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 20





	Finding the Light

**Author's Note:**

> Considering what I posted yesterday this is a walk in the park. Still sad though especially if you are in emotionally invested in Kenma's well-being. 
> 
> It's still Haikyuu!! Angst Week 2020 and it has been lovely. This will be my last fic for this round because I need to finally hunker down and stop using these props to put off the angst in my other work. 
> 
> Day 6: Firsts and lasts, Right person/Wrong time, "The worst thing, even after everything is I still love you/I don't regret anything"

Kenma’s eyes were beginning to burn and his fingers had started to cramp under the strain of this gaming marathon. Around every corner a new enemy raged on. He had to keep running. The muscles in his hands were beginning to seize up so he shook it out. His eyes hadn’t left the screen in so long, that the burn behind his eyes had begun to feel good. Kenma knew he was thriving and that slowly but surely, he was falling back in love with the characters that filled his life. It boggled him now that he had ever gotten angry at the state of gaming abilities. Similar to everything else, it had required training and with this renewed focus he finally felt himself coming off the plateau. Kenma felt like he had levelled up.

He leaned back against the solid warmth behind him. A little surprised to find it.

“Kenma, you should get some sleep,” a finger slowly twirled his hair as it was secured behind his ear. Without meaning to Kenma leaned into the lingering sensation and nodded.

“I’ll only be five more minutes,” he said under his breath. There were only a few more tasks before the new checkpoint and before the session ended. Warmth hit the shell of his ear as Hinata laughed. His partner kissed his temple but leaned back against the headboard waiting for Kenma to finish. A small smile cracked across the older man’s face unable to hold back his happiness. Hinata started to run his hands up Kenma’s back and underneath his sweatshirt. Those attentive hands massaged the muscles in his back that had tensed from being hunched over for six plus hours. A small gasp parted his lips when those solid palms pressed into his shoulders. The younger squeezed his traps just right and pressed small circles into the base of his neck loosening the tension. It felt good. He needed it.

“Shoyo,” fell easily from his lips in a stream of air. “Don’t distract me. I’m almost there.”

As Hinata laughed, he felt the vibrations from deep in his boyfriend’s chest against his shoulders. “You need to relax.”

“I will,” Kenma shot back without moving an inch. Buttons clicked rapidly under his thumbs while hands ghosted over the expanse of his shoulders. Characters began to fall in battle and those curious hands slid around his sides slowly inching themselves down his stomach. Kenma’s brain was barely holding on as his arousal grew. _Damn him_. He swallowed hard schooling expression into its normal look of indifference.

Hinata trailed his tongue along Kenma’s neck until he nosed his ear lobe. “I can feel your heart racing, Kenma,” the ginger chuckled nipping at the skin just behind Kenma’s ear. It was one of his weak spots it never failed to undo him as he sought out the source of that sensation his eyes closed. _Fuck._ The console vibrated in his hands as an opponent landed a single blow against him. This game needed to be over and Kenma would be the one to end it. His character began sprinting to the finish. He could see the slight glow in the distance. He could taste victory. Just then Hinata’s fingers stopped teasing along the elastic of his waistband and began to slip underneath. _Fuck this._

Kenma’s avatar crossed over into the glow ending his session. The auto save feature popped up and stats started to load on the screen. He chucked the console into the chair next to the bed and pulled from Hinata’s hold. The bright cocky smile he was met with melted his cold exterior. It softened him so much that a menacing smile cracked across his face as he placed both hands on Hinata’s shoulders. With minimal effort he slotted his knees on either side of his boyfriend’s hips.

“You know,” Kenma sat completely on Hinata’s thighs with his head tilted to the side. The younger man’s hand raised to his face pushing the hair that had fallen in front of his eyes to the side. “If you expect me to keep funding you,” his fingertips tapped along Hinata’s shoulder until they settled on the side of his neck. “You should really stop disrupting my designated game times.”

His boyfriend chuckled pushing his other hand under Kenma’s t-shirt until it was between his shoulder blades. “You seem to forget,” Hinata sat taller brushing his lips against Kenma’s. “That you told me to stay interesting. To never get boring… this is one way I do that for you.”

“Shoyo,” Kenma a bit breathless closed his eyes. “I did say that didn’t I.”

“I never wanted a sugar daddy,” Hinata teased still barely touching their lips but the hands that had been between Kenma’s shoulders now encircled his waist. “Just wanted a good-looking boyfriend. Seems I got the best of both.”

Kenma hadn’t opened his eyes but that didn’t stop him from rolling them. “Well, maybe it’s time I finally start collecting on those investments.” He rolled his hips creating enough friction to show interest. Both of them groaned the moment their clothed erections pressed against each other. The grip around his waist disappeared, Hinata slipped his fingertips under the waistband of Kenma’s sweats until they were pressing into the skin of his ass.

“You sure,” Hinata leaned back slightly to look over Kenma’s face waiting for a clear response.

“Shoyo, I’ve been ready,” Kenma stopped stroking his thumbs back and forth on Hinata’s jaw. Gold eyes met brown ones in a heated gaze which they held as Kenma pulled his hair back into a fresh bun. With a final snap of the hair tie securing his long locks, Hinata used the leverage on his ass to rock him forward. Kenma’s eyes fluttered shut breathless from the contact. He leaned forward pushing Hinata firm against the headboard finally pressing their lips together. The feeling of Hinata’s soft lips against his own let any pent-up tension and insecurity seep from his body. With a particularly hard roll of his hips they both moaned into the kiss. Kenma recovered first seizing control of their pace.

One of his arms snaked around Hinata’s neck holding him close as he pressed himself completely against his boyfriend. The other hand slipped between them to begin the process of untying their pants. Kenma deepened the kiss as a distraction. With one fluid motion, he lifted his hips making Hinata tilt his head back to continue their kiss then he tightened his hold around his boyfriend’s shoulders and fell backwards. The ginger scrambled to adjust his position so he could comfortably lay between Kenma’s legs. The older pressed his body up against Hinata’s rolling his hips in the process.

Kenma lowered his hands to the hem of Hinata’s sleep shirt sliding the troublesome fabric partially up his torso. The kiss was broken for a second so Hinata could lean back. His boyfriend grabbed the hem with one hand and pulled the offending garment over his head, abs flexed and rippling with every small movement. The shirt was discarded to the far-side of the room disappearing until they decided to deal with. The sight of Hinata’s tiny waist and taut abs alone took Kenma’s breath away.

“Your turn,” Hinata grinned down at him brown eyes consumed by lust. His boyfriend slid his hands under Kenma’s sweatshirt and t-shirt, kissing his way up the older’s torso until he had removed them entirely. His clothing barely had the chance to hit the floor before they began to devour one another. Kenma’s arms snaked around Hinata’s neck and his ankles locked against his boyfriend’s lower back. Together they set as steady pace as they began to rock against each other in earnest. Quiet moans filling the room with every roll of their hips. Pleasure had settled heavy in his stomach making his muscles tense in anticipation. Kenma’s hands had tightened in Hinata’s hair grounding him as a haze filled his mind.

With a small nip of his bottom lip Hinata ended their make out. “Stay there,” Hinata pecked him one more time leaving to the adjoined bathroom to grab supplies. A steady buzzing in the corner pulled Kenma from his lustful haze.

_2 missed calls_

**Kuroo:** Kenma please pick up.

Nvm you’re probably gaming.

 **Kenma:** (typing)

For a moment he considered calling Kuroo. If it was important Kuroo would’ve given some kind of explanation. He wasn’t one to hide bad news. They were currently in the middle of an argument anyway so Kenma wasn’t obligated to talk to him at all.

 **Kenma:** I’m busy. I’ll text you later.

He resolved to call him in the morning. They should probably talk. Strong arms circled his waist holding him close and light kisses were placed along his shoulder. “Who was it?”

Kenma tilted his head to the side exposing his neck further. “It was Kuroo.”

All movement stopped. “Do you need to take it?” They shifted on the mattress so Kenma was straddling Hinata again.

“No, he can wait. It was unfair of him,” Kenma said. “Besides I have better things to occupy my mind with right now.”

Kenma sealed their mouths together for a brief but heated kiss. A groan of annoyance escaped as he pulled away to get off of his boyfriend’s lap and remove his sweats. Hinata watched as he slowly slipped out of his clothes. Under that intense gaze Kenma found the confidence to push his hands up Hinata’s thighs until he reached the waistband of his lounge pants. In a quick movement, Kenma removed both Hinata’s boxers and trousers in one go. The sight of his boyfriend flushed and breathing heavy burned into his mind.

Holy fuck was he in love with Hinata. Kenma was beyond grateful that he’d fallen in love with him even if it had taken a while for them to finally get together. They’d decided to put off having sex for some dumb reason that honestly, he doesn’t even remember. The reason he had personally wanted to wait was to make sure that this time when he gave himself to someone they would stick around. He had no doubts in his mind that he would be with Hinata for a long time. This ball of energy and competition only forced him to be better. Encouraged him to come out of his shell and reach for things that he’d never considered necessary for a happy life. Kenma had never thought love would be essential but here he was head over heels. Hinata had opened his heart and he couldn’t imagine his life without him. Kenma willingly let Hinata pull him into oblivion. Pleas for more escaped his lips as he let his lover pull him apart piece by piece. He let himself fall into ecstasy for the first time in his life without once overthinking it. He would let himself be free. For the first time, in a long time, Kenma wasn’t clouded by the darkness. Instead it had all been washed away and flooded with the light produced by the utter existence of Hinata.

_I love you, Shoy—_

Air flooded his lungs, his body jolted awake, hands dug deep into his hair as he had been abruptly torn from his dream by his cat settling against his side. It dawned on him that in the sudden movements his phone had hit the floor. Without it in his hand he felt anxious. It hadn’t left him in months as he unwillingly felt tied to the technology hoping that maybe Kuroo would call again. That maybe there had been a mistake. Kenma bent over the side of his bed to pick it up. A quick tap of the screen revealed no new messages. Not that he expected any after the extensive effort he’d put into pushing everyone away. There hadn’t been anything sent from Hinata in weeks and it had been months since Kuroo messaged. Unlike Hinata, Kuroo would never be able to message him again.

Tears began to well up. _No. No, he wouldn’t cry._ He’d wasted too much time and too many tears on this. He missed them both immensely. Hinata was a mess of his own making. Whereas Kenma had no choice in the matter when it came to Kuroo. With shaky fingers he clicked open his saved voicemails and played Kuroo’s message.

_Hey, Kenma. I know you’re still mad and I know that I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have said those hurtful things to you when I left Tokyo last year. I thought if I slept with her it would make letting you go easier. It didn’t. I genuinely believe you are my person. I think you always have been. I know it’s the worst thing I could say but even after everything I don’t regret anything. I don’t regret any of it because it made me realise how much I love you, Kenma. Even if you can’t be mine in that way, I at least need you in my life. Consider meeting me for coffee or a beer or even just a brief meet up so I can apologise in person. Anyway, I’m sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me. I love you._

“The worst thing is even after everything I still love you too,” Kenma mumbled under his breath. “I wish I had been able to tell you at the time how important to me you were.” The darkness had become his home. It comforted him in a way that Hinata had been unable. He knew what the darkness entailed and the light scared him.

That voicemail was left the night he’d slept with Hinata for the first time. It had been quite possibly the first time Kenma had allowed himself to be truly free. But it came with a devastating price. One that he wished he had never paid. He had woken up to hundreds of texts from his friends offering him their sympathies. People asked if he needed anything from them or if they should stop by. He had the most calls and texts from Bokuto. The first text in the string of messages from the grey hair man told him that Kuroo was the victim of a mugging gone wrong. He further explained that Kuroo had died on his way to the hospital. Apparently, Bokuto only knew because he had been with Kuroo’s mother, grabbing a few things for their place, when the police showed up that morning to inform them. Kenma made it through the last message from Bokuto, replying with a simple “thanks for letting me know” before he shut down completely.

It took Kenma days to finally speak. It took two weeks for him to unlock his phone and start going through the rest of the messages. It took three weeks for him to finally listen to Kuroo’s voicemail from the night he’d died. The second it was over he noticed he’d started crying at some point. He was powerless to stop it. Hinata had sat with him while he listened to the voicemail and pulled Kenma into a tight embrace the moment the phone had fallen from his hands. They sat there for what felt like forever before Kenma had to excuse himself entirely. He needed to be alone for a bit. It ate away at him piece by piece until there was nothing left.

The last words he’d ever hear from Kuroo, had been uttered the same night he’d slept with Hinata for the first time. This realisation weighed him down. He felt guilty. He was beginning to resent Hinata. Every time his boyfriend opened his mouth, he held back the urge to scream. He held back the urge to kick him out. He held back his words.

Kenma closed himself off completely and Hinata couldn’t handle it anymore. Two months without affection or proper conversation from Kenma had driven him away. The moment Hinata walked out of the door they met eyes. His boyfriend was full of anguish and those eyes were pleading, no begging him to reach out. Kenma couldn’t do it. He wanted him to leave. He figured if Hinata left, his life would get better. He’d be able to find solace in the darkness.

The opposite happened.

The apartment was empty and all of Kenma’s regrets came to overwhelm him. It had been days since he’d eaten or showered properly. Hinata wasn’t there to remind him. He’d lost the one thing holding him together. The one thing he’d come to realise he needed more than anything in this world.

One night, a month after Hinata had left, he sat in the bathtub to clear his mind. Except the water only managed to reveal how easy it would be for him to take his own life. How no one would notice because there was no one to check up on him. Kenma sat there considering how quiet it would be. He considered how peaceful his would be. If there were no people, no sound, no thoughts… no emotions everything would be better, right? The thought of the darkness finally consuming him whole comforted him. That was until he considered the people he’d leave behind. If he stopped existing Hinata would feel it and so would Bokuto. If he ended it all his and Kuroo’s family would be in shambles. He couldn’t do that. No matter how much he thought it’d solve his problems he couldn’t do that to them. He’d have to try to work through this.

It had been months since he'd seen Hinata and at this point he didn’t know what to do to get him back. If only he could shoot him a text asking to meet up. For some reason he was afraid even though he craved the other’s presence. Kenma was ready to welcome the light into his life even if it was only momentary. He’d forgotten what it felt like. With everything that had happened he still believed that Hinata was the right person for him. Kenma’s heart yearned for him. Everything seemed so surreal as he picked up his phone and opened his text conversation with Hinata.

 **Kenma:** We sho—

**Kenma: …**

The message had to be perfect but what did he say to the person who begged him to take care of himself? How does he tell him that he fucked up and shouldn’t have let him go? How did he explain that he’d been scared of the light? That he had been scared of Hinata being able to make him feel okay.

 **Kenma:** Shoyo, I don’t know how to do this. I’m sorry.

Know that I miss you… I miss us.

It was out of his hands now hopefully Hinata got it and felt he deserved a reply. Kenma plugged his phone in, cuddling closer to his cat and falling asleep.

That morning felt different than the rest. Light peeked in around the curtains filling the room with hues of yellows and orange as the sun made its way over the horizon. Air came easier to him it didn’t feel as heavy. Without thinking about it his fingers slid around his Popsocket bringing the device into view so he could check his notifications. 

**Shoyo:** I miss you too, Kenma.

I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear from you.

Hinata had replied. To make sure it was real he took a screenshot of it. Closed all of his apps and opened the photo gallery just to make sure he wasn’t going insane. It wouldn’t be the first time in the last few months that he’d momentarily saw something that wasn’t there. But there it remained that fateful message. Hinata had actually replied to him. Kenma read it at least fourteen times before he finally worked up the nerve to reply.

 **Kenma:** Good morning, Shoyo.

If you have time would you like to meet me for coffee?

It was as though Hinata had been waiting for his reply because he saw those three grey dots pop up almost immediately. Kenma held his breath. He honestly didn’t know how this would turn out but he needed this win. If he could get Hinata to join him for coffee he could maybe get his freedom back. Kenma locked the phone waiting patiently for it to buzz in his hands. The phone was in a death drip and his eyes were squeezed closed so tightly they started to burn. He couldn’t take it. His body was brimming with energy as he waited for a response. Both feet hit the floor and he started pacing with the device held firm against his chest. Every second without a response made his heart beat faster. The nerves were overwhelming he hadn’t felt anything this powerful in a long time. It felt good.

The phone vibrated in his hand. It felt like Hinata’s reply had taken ages to come through yet he still wasn’t ready. Excitement and nerves regarding this response had him fumbling over the phone. His hands were clammy which made the device fall from his grip. Before it was able to hit the floor, he caught it. _Breathe, Kenma. Breathe. It can’t be worse than anything you’ve been dealing with._

A few long breaths later he was as ready as he’d ever be. The face id unlocked his phone and his thumb hovered over the message app. _Three, two, one, tap._ There was no going back now because his read receipts were on. Kenma forced his eyes open and what he saw brought tears to his eyes. A wave of relief washed over him so completely that he felt relaxed. He could cry.

 **Shoyo:** Are you free today? I could meet you at that cute cat café you liked downtown around 10 a.m.

Sorry it can’t be sooner but I have a long practice this morning.

Without a split second of hesitation Kenma replied, ready to jump right back into Hinata's life.

 **Kenma:** I’d really love that.

See you there.

 **Shoyo:** Perfect! I’ll see you then.

Time went both too quickly and all to slow. The excitement had taken him over as he went about his morning routine. Kenma took a shower thoroughly cleaning every inch of his skin and deep conditioning his hair. After he’d dried himself off, he slipped into his favourite pair of tight black skinny jeans and a white button up. He grabbed his burnt orange patterned over-sized sweater because it highlighted the faint golden and pink eyeshadow, he’d put on to accentuate his eyes. He pulled his hair from under the collar and straightened the white fabric leaving the top button undone. The lowest point had been brutal on him as he tried to rid himself of everything that reminded him of Hinata and Kuroo. One of those ways meant he had dyed his hair back to the original dark brown. In hindsight, he didn’t mind it so much because that day had been the beginning of his fresh start. It was the day he had finally accepted everything that had happened. Skilled fingers slipped into his hair pulling half of it up and back into a loose bun. To complete his look, Kenma pulled two strands from the bun to frame his face and added a thin winged liner.

He hadn’t felt this good about himself in so long. The black combat boots Hinata had bought him the week before Kuroo died had remained on the genkan since then. It felt like time to step back into his life. Kenma slipped the boots on and grabbed his MSBY sling bag on his way out the door. Lost in the excitement for the coffee date he somehow arrived thirty minutes early. With time to spare, he decided to walk to a nearby bakery and grab himself some apple pie for later. As Kenma walked through the door, he felt his bag vibrate. Naturally, he slid the sling bag up his chest and unzipped it to grab his phone. Not paying any attention he collided with the person at the back of the line.

“I’m so sorr—” Kenma stopped speaking the second his eyes landed on the person in front of him. He’d run into Hinata. Suddenly he was extremely nervous and no longer knew what to say. The man before him rubbed his hand on the back of his neck awkwardly avoiding Kenma’s eyes.

“No, it’s fine. Really,” Hinata stuttered. “I-I thought I’d come get you something swee—”

“Apparently, we had the same idea,” Kenma interjected with a breathless laugh. “Well since were here should we grab a random assortment and head to the park?” The brunette raised an eyebrow looking between the glass case and Hinata.

“Yes,” Hinata smiled brightly, “I love that plan. You get the sweets. I’ll get the savoury.”

“Got it,” Kenma nodded. They approached the counter together armed with their massive orders. The carefree look on Hinata’s face when he sideways glanced at Kenma and winked took his breath away. His heart felt light watching the other hand over his card to the cashier. Last time, hadn’t been their moment. It hadn’t been their time. This time Kenma was different. He’d fallen into despair and darkness a place he now feared. A place he no longer wished to reside. He knew right now that he belonged in the light with Shoyo.

He could fall in love again in the light. Shoyo was his person and this time he’d never let go.

“Excuse me, sir.”

“Oh, right sorry,” Kenma snapped out of his reverie to order. They waited together in silence until the baker handed over their boxes. Together, they headed outside walking side by side.

“You look happy, Kenma,” Shoyo said.

“I am,” Kenma softly smiled as pin dusted his cheeks. “How could I not be now that you’re here?”

Shoyo peered into his golden eyes seeming to decide something significant. Instead of saying anything he kissed Kenma. It was short but even in its brevity it had melted his away his residual fears. They smiled at each other for a second just enjoying each other’s company. He was sure they looked overly cheerful for nine-thirty in the morning walking across a busy street. But Kenma couldn’t hide how happy he was. As soon as they were back on the sidewalk, Kenma grabbed Shoyo’s hand and interlocked their fingers. The smile only grew on Shoyo’s face. It was exactly what Kenma wanted. They fell into easy conversation after that making their way through the streets of Tokyo hand in hand.

Kenma glanced over at Shoyo as the excitable ginger explained everything that had happened during training that morning. It brought a small smile to his face to see him animatedly speak about his training.

Yeah, this time would be different because Kenma was ready to fall in love with the light. This time would be different because he was ready to never let go of Shoyo.

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic posted at an ungodly hour. RIP ME. I would have had this out three hours earlier if the internet hadn't exploded. 
> 
> I needed Kenma to have a happy ending and I needed my angst week to end on a high. Emotional realizations and doubling down on them are my kink. There is a tricky bit that I wonder if you noticed. Throughout the whole fic when spoken Kenma refers to Hinata as Shoyo but in his perspective it's still Hinata. He is fully ready to blur those lines yet. Once he runs into him at the bakery he's struck by how much he actually yearns for Hinata and one he commits he commits which is why he switched to Shoyo in from his perspective. So no it's not a typo just a basic/stupid stylistic choice. 
> 
> Also that outfit I described for Kenma makes me wants to actually faint. It's soft and something befitting of our joyful and renewed Kenma. Originally, I had Hinata die and Kuroo cheat on him but my friends all voted on the emoji that flipped it. I also wanted to challenge myself and killing Kuroo was honestly the worst. I did it though. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this slice of life and love and death. I adore you all. If you wanna be friends or shout about how incredible these fools are come find me on Twitter or Tumblr @QuasarScorpion.
> 
> Ta ta for now.


End file.
